Venting out whatever's left...

I can't believe it.
I just can't.

Just when I thought that we were the bestest friends in the world. I learn that she's out flirting with guys and she doesnt tell me. What the fuck? Why would she not tell me. I thought wrong again!! I'm so fucking stupid. I'm tired of hearing her problems. But I don't want her to stop telling me, and I don't want to stop helping her. But what she's doing to herself is just stupid. Doesn't she know that qowhuqp likes her?! GAH. And now she's out there flirting with guys like akdrljs. What the fuck? She's too young for love. She.. GAH. I feel like such a stupid friend. What if she gets raped or something?! I'm fucking worried about her.

Dammit. What if she gives in? I hate this. It's like she just pretends to listen. Like she just pretends to be my friend and not really care. What happened to you? Is it that you're tired of hearing me? Is is cuz you're tired of my stupid advice? Why don't you just tell me. Just tell me so that I don't have to waste my time & effort. Dammit. I don't even see it as effort cuz you guys are too important to me.. Scratch that. Let me rephrase. Just tell me so that I'd stop.

I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose anyone.
I don't want to anymore. Not again.

Hear me out. You're like a sister to me. You're very important to me. And I don't want you to ruin your life. And I surely will kill and/or hurt anyone who does ruin you. I promise. But please, take fuckin care of yourself. I can't do all the work. If I could, I would. For you and every single one of my friends. Please, take care of yourself. If anything happened to you, I'd be crushed.

Please do me a great big favor, take care of yourself, I promise to pay you back.

I'm sorry. I'm just pissed and angry. He doesn't deserve you, and I know I have no business in that. But I just want you to know that you're better off with someone who WILL care about you than make you love him and then leave you for another. Please, he's not what he seems. I know things about him. And those things arent good. Please, take care of yourself. Use your head, you're smart.

You know that.

I'm sad yet again.
That's all.

Dodgeball was supposed to be fun.
But it was just too distracting.
And before that was distracting too, at lunch time.
When he ate my food, it was alright.

But too bad for me, they're into each other now.
I knew it. I know a lot of things. Not all, but a lot.
I guess I do.

Anyway, I know I can't love two persons at the same degree.
It's just really impossible. Dammit.

Awkward much..

Skype makes things so difficult.
When you're in a call, it's hard not to let out a giggle or something.
Also, you can't stop yourself from saying something you don't want to say.

Damnit, it's so awkward talking to them at the same time. We were having fun at first, but still, I panicked. It sucked. Dammit. There's another one. Damn that Jon, he thinks he's all that. That asshole, I know he has money and stuff. Damnit, that low life. Eww. I want to rip his heart out. He's so fucking boastful and so fucking ugly. I know how she feels now, like how she loathes him. Yeah, I can feel it. That over acting asshole.

Dammit, I'm pissed, miserable, useless, and what have you. Piss off ass.

Giggles...

It's weakening me.
It's just so heavenly...

What the fuck is wrong with me?! I mean, I'm normal right?! But why do I feel like this all the time?.. I don't think I'm normal at all.. Something is VERY wrong with me. I dunno who else can help me. I mean.. Shit man.

My new favorite lines from the song Teasing To Please.
Cause conflict and make your top pick
Restitch my ripped jeans
And take the old ones
Take the old ones out back
Sew them tight at the seams please
I’ve got so many ripped knees

Now ain't that great?... I've got so many ripped knees. I've been trying to help myself the past few years. But I piss myself off... Dammit. I hate this. Problems, Problems, everything's just problems.

Anyway, today, I saw one of my schoolmates wearing SkullCandy earphones. I was cursing to myself. I've been eyeing SkullCandy for 2 years now! Shit man! And someone else gets one before me! I'm so fucking pissed. Now, everyone will know. Shit. AND SHIT, IF MY MOM WOULD HAVE LENT ME HER CREDIT CARD THEN I COULD HAVE BOUGHT A PAIR. DAMMIT.

-----------SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSSHITSHTISTHISHTISHTISHTIHSTIHSITHSITHISHTISHTIHSITHSIHTISHTIHSTIH*called*TISHITHSITHSITHIHTISHTISHIT----

You have a dangerous face and illegal taste...

A lot has passed since I last blogged. Well, all I want to do right now is to rant. I'd like to namedrop, but that would totally suck for me so I won't. I mean, I love all my friends, but today, I just need to vent out.. Alot.

Here we go...

Every time you have a problem, I'm there for you. I tell you that all you have to do it to wait but you don't. You tell me that your past best friend and the guy who's courting you are mad at you. Why do you think so? You act so childish at times. You can't help but want the attention, and yet you don't want any. Do you get that? Cuz somehow I don't. I'm lost in my thoughts. I try to help, I do. But sometimes, you don't listen. No one ever does. I feel like I'm wasting my breath on you guys. I asked you if you wanted me to talk to them, but you said that you didn't want to. Why? Are you that scared? Are you even aware that you're sad because of your own decisions?.. I've almost had enough, but you're important to me. You're one of my friends, and even though I get little in return, I'm happy.

When we talk, we sometimes connect. We laugh some times but wallow and be sad at most.You're the most emo person I know. It's great exchanging ideas and sad stories with you, but don't you know that being overly sensitive is stupid. I don't think you shifted because it was hard for you. I think you deliberately failed for your girlfriend. Dude, what if she finds out that you left your course for her? Sure, it's sweet and all that, but what will people think of her? What do you think? You've just made both of yourselves look bad. You're a bright guy and yet you risk everything for her. What if you break up? It's not that I'm saying that you will, but what if? Anything is possible you know. You're just stupid and I dunno how I can help you. I want to, but YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN. Also, don't you know that I hate you most times mainly cuz YOU GIVE ME FALSE HOPE. Stop being like my parents! I get it that they're like that, but you? Of all people. Just cut the crap dude. CUT THE FUCKING CRAP. plzkthx.

Ever since High school, you've had a lot of men on your feet. You've played with others, you used others. I kinda think my own mother sees that in you. I do, but I don't care. You're my best friend, I think you are. What's changed though? I'm sorry for saying this, but you're becoming more of a slut. I'm hoping this would be THE real relationship that you can have. He's a great guy and he'll take care of you. But, you've been so obsessed. Do you see that in yourself? Can't you see that other people do? Some of the people you hang out with actually back stab you. I try not to, I slip sometimes, but I choose my words carefully. Sometimes, I see myself talking to them, and they open up the topic. I just nod cuz that's all I can do. I try to always be neutral. I hope you understand that. I remember when you laughed when I said that I was going to a concert of a Christian band. You laughed at me. I know the "you can always laugh at your friend" thing, but can't you respect the other people that were around me that time? You knew that they were going too, but you weren't close to them. Still you should have some respect right? I understand though, I know you don't believe and I'm okay with that. You know that you're important to me. You know that I'll always be there for you, trying my hardest to keep up with your nightlife, your problems, and everything.


I thank you for the things you've done for me. For being the big brother that I never had, for being the best friend anyone could ever see. But everyone has their flaws, meaning so do you. We don't talk often about our problems anymore. It's somewhat great because we don't care about he bad times anymore, but I miss the bonding thing. Last Friday, we talked about one of our friends. You said that he wanted to talk to you and yet you don't care. I understand how you feel but you should also understand what our friend should say. He's got a say in the topic anyway, he's the boyfriend. And you said that you were over her, but you don't show it. Why? We all know that you act sweet around everyone, he should know that too. But too much can just be wrong too. You should know that, right? In any other way, I'm with you all the way. That's what siblings are for. But always know that I will warn you of these stuff. Just to keep you out of harm's way.

I can never get you. You act like your asshole friends already. You don't know that I like you and you wouldn't even bother if you did. Doesn't that hurt? Either way, I'll admire you from afar. I get hugs from you that I really like, but those are only friendly hugs. I appreciate it anyway. Thank you for driving me home last school year. Thank you for sharing the things about your friends to me, I feel helpful when you do. But under all of that, I really don't know you much. I remember when you suddenly gave me an ass comment. Of course it hurt. And you know what first came in my mind? You were becoming like the two asshole friends of yours. I know them, I can read them. They like the attention, they think they're so great. I hope you don't totally become one of them. I hope. I know that you got angry at one of them. But you're too nice and that's what makes you admirable. But still, "If you can't beat them, join them" is not exactly a positive thing you know.

You make me feel like shit. I like you too. I know I can't like the same persons at the same degree. And to tell you the truth, I like to more than I do him. But all I can do is admire from afar. I try to get away from you, but it's just so hard. You're too much. Whenever I see you I want to die. Srsly. Because you already have someone, and I know that both of you will be happy in the future. It hurts the most to know that I'm only a friend, or even maybe less. I guess that's all I can say.

I'm sorry you guys, for saying this in a blog rather than saying it face to face. You know I'm a coward not a fighter. I'm afraid of loneliness and reject. But don't worry, by the time you get to read this I'd be already dead or out exploring the world as my last goal in life. I'm dreadfully sorry for the things I've said here and in real life. I don't know if you guys will understand or be there for me your whole lives. I'll try to be. Just know that I'll be with you, even if I'm miles away, trying to comfort you in the best way that I can. You can kill me now if you want, I wont blame you. Thank you.

Ephic Phail.

"Having a great life is by making a ton of mistakes, and turning those mistakes into something good."

Even though I knew ever since my finals that I was about to fail my Differential Calculus subject, I consider this day a great day. Its been about 5 days after my last final exam. Today was the course card giving day. Yeah, I knew in my heart and mind that there was one subject that I was going to fail in. It was alright for me though, not in a positive way. Just in an "okay"-way.

I wanna talk about the professor first. Well, to be honest, she's a great teacher. She majored in Math and she's a great and fair person. But the thing that I really hate about her is that, she has a monotonous voice. Also, she doesn't make the class livelier. I failed one of her classes before. I was always asleep cuz she was so boring. But, that's got to be a fuckin' lame excuse for failing a class. I know. When I took the class again, I got into the section with the most difficult professor of math ever. I passed at that subject, cuz she was happy. She taught us the lesson well, and cracked a joke every now and then. That made me listen, I guess. The class laughed along every joke and it was fun. Most students failed, I passed prolly cuz I had a background on the subject but also because she made the lesson interesting by making us laugh at even the hardest exercises.

About the subject "Differential Calculus". What's it about? Well, I dunno the answer myself. But clearly it's math. I have no grudge against math, I LOVE MATH. Too bad it doesn't feel the same way. Haha. Anyway, all I know about differential calculus are the limits, some asymptotes, a lot of derivatives and a few graphs. I guess you can really call me an "Ephic Phail". That's what my Twinnee Teacups and I call when we 'phail' stuff.

Don't get me wrong about that though. My Twinnee is a smart young lady. ^^ Yes she is. xD

Anyway, I got like.. good grades on my minor subjects, but I failed one math subjects and hanging grades on my programming and physics subjects. Yeah, I don't even know why I took Computer Science as my course anymore. HAHA. xD

I won't quit though.
No matter how many failing marks I get (hopefully none after this term).
I will graduate.
I will... Damnit, I will! ^^

Mwahahaha!.. xD Besides, I guess even if I'm a not-so-intelligent person, at least this will be the greatest challenge of my life.

"The girl who has low grades in high school takes up Computer Science as her course in college and passed with flying rainbow colors and a unicorn!"

HAHA.

Shit xD Haha. Cold Hard Shit!

Since last night. About... 6:30pm-7pm. It started at that time.

Damn. I've been so happy for no reason.
There's so many things that SHOULD have made me sad or depressed, but no, everything is just TOO great. I'm starting to wonder why. Last Saturday, was THE MOST WEIRDEST days of my life. Damn.. I was like. Whoa, why didnt i have a likfe like that?

Anyway, I was really jealous. Damn that. They were both so damn cute! So damn cute... Shit! Haha. xD
I GOTTA GO NAO.
Cyuz. xD